Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
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I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
and now we wait
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.