how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
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My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Your secret is safeish with me
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Candid photo of me, eating chips.