sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
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Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Breakfast for Stoners:
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
me irl
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.