If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
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“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.