Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
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Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*