friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
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[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado