Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
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I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.