“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
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Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
New tinder profile pic
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
This is me 🤣🤣
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.