Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
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I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.