Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
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Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
*me flirting
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.