I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
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[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?