I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
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Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.