[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
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I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.