DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
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I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.