The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
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Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Strangers have the best candy.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.