CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
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i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Why aren’t auto body shops called…
“Fender Bender Menders??.”
And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.
And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.