FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
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Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
This is amazing.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room