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Always a housemaid, never a house.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.