Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
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me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.