Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
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I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
I need to get some bricks…
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
me opening up to someone
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?