“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
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*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
best review i’ve ever seen
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.