VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
You Might Also Like
#DesignFail
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Well, that should do it
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
“you recording!?”
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.