馃檹馃従
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Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
When I said I liked it rough.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Me as a kid: I can鈥檛 wait until I鈥檓 an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Goodnight 馃惗
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.