It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
You Might Also Like
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Dead sexy!!
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Think I pulled my liver
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Anime is real
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.