I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
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Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone