Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
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[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”