S/o to @funTweeters .
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[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
“and how does that make you feel?”
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?