The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
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When someone says you are so lazy
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.