Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
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Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Well, that should do it
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.