“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
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What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
OH. COME. ON.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*