Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
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My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
men, we mow at sunrise.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star