doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
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Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
BaD BoY!!
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
What the hell happened in there??
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.