Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
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HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent: