I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
You Might Also Like
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.