Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
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My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
what does he know…
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.