[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
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If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings