When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
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HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……