Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
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I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.