Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
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Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums