[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
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Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her