they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
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I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Wait a minute…
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.