Punctuation Matters. Period.
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I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Just why bro?!
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over