If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
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hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
I’m awake but I object,
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.