When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
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me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
welp