I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
You Might Also Like
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?