The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
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[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Pringles
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?