As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
You Might Also Like
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
All. The. Damn. Time.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
The point of your 20s
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue