It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
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Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
PARKOUR
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬