If only.
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My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?