Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
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I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn鈥檛 need to pay rent this month anyway.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
In our house the answer to 馃幎who let the dogs out?馃幎 is always the toddler at 4am when we鈥檙e all alseep because she thinks it鈥檚 funny
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 馃檪
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents